tastybun

“Hi, I’m raising money for the children, please think of the children!”

“Sorry, no can do, conflict of interest.”

Copious weeping. “Howso?”

“It conflicts with the fact that I have no interest in helping you. Good day.”

To whom it may concern. I am writing today to propose a clarification on the accepted hand gesture for ‘a bit’. The gesture in question is when one holds up one’s hand with the thumb and index finger held a small distance apart. I propose that the distance between the digits be set at 14.4mm. The reason behind this is that this is the difference between the accepted rule of thumb metric conversion of 1 yard (900mm) a conversion that is a bit more accurate (914.4mm). It seems a minimal difference between an inch being 25mm and 25.4mm, but that rounding really makes a difference when lengths converted are increased. I feel that regulating this will assist the public at large to make everyday life more accurate and efficient. I shall be looking forward to the ensuing parliamentry debate.

Stephen always hated Fridays. There was always too much work to do and too little week to fit it in. Reports had to be read, critiqued, and sent back the minions who’d messed them up, bosses had to be placated, time off had to be denied, sick leave had to be challenged, new recruits had to be whipped into shape and old hands needed to be reminded who’s boss. Then they’d would be cajoling him for an early finish to the day so they could meet friends down at the pub.. at 4:30! Stephen couldn’t work out why they thought they’d earned that half hour off early, none of them ever came into start work early. It’s not like they put any considerable effort in above and beyond the call of duty, as he liked to put it. “Why if I could, I’d hold you all back for an hour longer I would, just to teach you a lesson!” he was often heard to be saying. His team had little recourse to complain; in these tough economic times, it does little good to annoy the person able to get rid of you in the next round of downsizing. All in all, it was a fairly miserable working environment… except for Stephen. He liked it quiet, in his view a quiet workplace was an industrious workplace. All was well in his world.

One Tuesday evening, Stephen was quietly allocating his team’s workload for remainder of the week. “I’m sure Sue won’t mind staying back an extra couple of hours on Thursday.. he says that Bobby needs picking up from day care, but that can wait. Oh, and Bill won’t mind a teleconference at 7:00 on Wednesday night, his mother can reschedule that dinner they were planning. Her birthday comes again next year anyway assuming she beats that cancer, and if she doesn’t then it won’t matter anyway.” Shortly after, Stephen heard a strange sound coming from his kitchen. He got up to investigate and found a very odd looking being there.. it seemed a strange mixture of beings all moulded into one; part spotty late teen, part business attired wanker, and part miscellaneous slag… with a feww suspiscious looking stains down the front of its clothes. Rather confused (and mildly repulsed), Stephen asked “Who are you?” “I am The Ghost of Fridays past” said the odd being, its speech slurred a little bit. “I am here to guide you through a flashback montage that may be extended on the DVD release.” Stephen was a little puzzled by this.. surely the BluRay release would have the extra footage..but decided to tag along anyway. The team’s workload was allocated, and there was nothing good on the television. The being beckoned Stephen into the hall, from which a lot of noise was coming…

Stephen rounded the corner and found himself in a rather dingy looking pub. He saw a younger version of himself in the corner, surrounded by his high school mates who were all very drunk and very rowdy. There was also a group of girls from the neighbouring school close by, being enticed over by his mates. Stephen saw himself attempting to extract himself from the group, claiming he had an exam to go study for. The strange being that had brought Stephen here mumbled “You could have gotten laid that night you know, Becky there was really into you.” “Maybe..” said Stephen, “but I really did have to study for that exam..” “Meh, who needs exams.. you never got into the uni course you wanted anyway.” Stephen quietly pondered this for a moment, before he realised the strange being was beckoning him back into the hallway. He followed, and found himself back in his kitchen. The being was gone. A little peturbed by the strange turn of events, Stephen went to bed. He had strange dreams about youthful indiscretions that never happened, and tafe courses he never took.

The next day passed pretty quickly for Stephen, though he kept musing about friday nights he never went on and what may have been. That evening as it was watching TV, everything went dark.. handily, there wasn’t anything good on anyway. Stephen got up to try and find a torch or something to see by, but just as he was cracking his shin on his coffee table, the lights came back on. As stephen was swearing at his coffee table, he noticed a man standing on the other side of the room. He seemed a nice chap, wearing fairly casual looking business attire.. Stephen pegged him as being the manager of a branch office somewhere. “Come,” said the managerial type chap, “Lets grab a drink.” stephen numbly followed the chap out of the living room and found himself in a bustling pub. He saw his team sitting around a table nursing drinks looking glum and worn out, seemingly out of place in jovial nature of the rest of the patrons. One of them, a young man named Sam who Stephen liked to push hard in an attempt to see how he would handle pressure, raised his glasses and said “To Stephen…” (Stephen puffed up his chest an felt proud) “… a right royal bastard of a boss!” As Stephen stood slightly shocked, the rest of his team all raised their glasses and muttered phrases far too rude for this timeslot. “He made me skip my son’s graduation ceremony!” “He told me I had to come in, even though I could barely walk without fainting from the pain!” “He gave me a normal workload to do while I went on that cruise!” “Bastard!” “Arsehole!” “Son of a bitch!” As stephen watched, mouth agape, the managerial looking chap murmered “I don’t think they like you very much…” Stephen stammered “But.. but.. the work has to get done! They have to pull their weight!” “A happy workforce is a productive workforce, Stephen. Resentful workers will just find excuses not to get things done.” As Stephen considered this advice, he noticed the managerial chap disappearing through the door in the back of the pub. He followed after him and found himself back in his living room, power back on and television chattering away. There was still nothing good on.

At work the following day, Stephen studied his team more closely. He noticed some looking at facebook when they thought he wasn’t looking, and something called twitter kept making fleeting visits to various team members’ screens. When he requested status updates from people there were many excuses as to why things hadn’t been done yet, but not much progress seemed to be made on anything. He noticed his team seemed a bit sluggish and out of sorts.. well, more than usual.. so he popped into the kitchen and saw they appeared to be out of coffee. At first he considered sending a note around to let everyone know they were out of coffee so they needn’t bother getting up to try and make one, but they he recalled the advice from the previous night.. so instead he sent a note over to the office manager to let her know they needed more. He received a rather snippy response back stating that she knows, she’s been made well aware from everyone else in the office complaining about it, and if he really wants a coffee then he’ll just have chat to his team leader and pop downstairs to the cafe to get one. Stephen wondered why no one had asked him about going down there.. but then recalled that he always refused such frivolous requests. Surely they could wait until their allocated lunch break…

That evening, Stephen was musing over the strange occurances that had been occuring. Suddenly a severe looking man in a sharp edges suit wandered into the room holding a clipboard. He looked at Stephen and motioned for him to follow. Stephen got up and followed the officious looking man out of the room, only to come across a scene that looked like his office, but had the names of one of their biggest competitors being hung up around the place. It looked like they had been taken over and absorbed into the larger corporation. He saw himself looking upset, being spoken to by a lady who looked suspisciously like an HR person. “I’m sorry Stephen, but you just don’t seem to fit into the environment we want to foster around here. Your team all seem to be dejected and some of them said some rather unflattering things about you in the surveys we sent out.” “But.. but.. I can change! I’ll allow coffee breaks! I’ll.. I’ll.. not make them stay late so much.. I’ll let them participate in casual fridays.. please!” “I’m sorry Stephen, but we just don’t require your services anymore. Your stuff will be available to collect at the front desk.” Stephen couldn’t believe it, they would fire him? After all his strong leadership? He wandered back into his living room and settled into his comfy chair and mused upon what he had seen over the past few days. He considered what it would be like to work for himself and what he knew of peoples’ opinions of him and decided that maybe he was being a little tough on his team. The more he thought about it the more upset he became, until he fell into a restless sleep on his chair.

The following morning Stephen almost ran into his office. He asked the secretary “What day is this?!” “Why it’s friday, the greatest day of the week, when we can take off from work early, go down to the pub, get drunk and try to pick up!” Relieved, Stephen strode into his office and got to work. The morning went as usual, though the team noticed that Stephen seemed to smile knowingly to himself at times. They were all concerned it meant something terrible like having to work over the weekend, or go on some terrible ‘team building’ retreat. At 1:00 Stephen gathered his team together, on the pretence of having important news. “Team, I know you’ve been working hard lately, so I thought we should do something to unwind.” Before the ensuing groan could arise from the team, Stephen continued. “Let’s go down to the pub. Lunch is on me!” The team paused for a moment to see if this was some kind of a trap. Sue quietly said “But I have a report that needs doing.. you said it needs to be done by today.” “Aww, that’s ok, it can wait.” said Stephen. “Why do today what you can put off until monday!” A great cheer went up, and the team headed off down to the pub. There they stayed, drinking and carousing until after midnight when it was decided that it was kebab time. Stephen stood up, wobbling a bit, and while gesturing wildly with his kebab slurred “I love youse all, every one!”